Saturday, January 23, 2010

Her

I've never really gotten over her.

Even if I never really knew her.

And that's the sad part, really. That for so long these past few years she has been a part of me, and I never really knew her at all.

And it's not like I even mattered to her. Did I?

For years, those last few questions have just laid in my mind, dormant but exploding with force, like a volcano on the Ring of Fire.

Why didn't she dance? Why didn't she give me some parting words? Why did she turn so cold the last few days we saw each other? Or was it just my imagination?

Why didn't she say yes?

She never gave me anything. Only memories.

Like the time she ran through the fields like a wild child, and I sat next to the grass, just staring at her, wishing I could go out and run with her.

Or when she sat with us during lunch, too many times for me to remember any of them. Just remembering that she was there.

Or the time I asked her to dance. And it was so scary and I was so afraid that she would say no, but then she said yes and I could just burst with happiness. And at the dance I just stared at her and she said she said I looked straight into the eye of a person and that was something she liked.

And the awkward times, when all I wanted to do was to just sit next to her, be with her, and she just sat there, and I just sat there, and we never talked, just sat. Or when I called her, and asked her to be with me, at least for a little while, and this time she said no...

And then the last memory of her, on what might as well have been the last day of middle school it was so close. And we were signing yearbooks, giving each other reminders of who we were back then so we could look back and laugh at ourselves.
And I wanted to sign hers so badly and for her to sign mine. But I never got the chance and the last thing I remember of her was back through the doors next to the gym, and her head was turned, and I never got the last glimpse of her face, and all I wanted was something to remember her by. It was all I wanted...

And then summer came and went and I went into high school, determined to make myself anew, but still wishing that I could see her, for that one last image to carry me for the rest of my days.
And sometimes she comes back in my memories, just this girl, but so much more and so much less. And there's nothing I can do about it, cause I don't know what she felt about me, or if she ever felt anything for me at all, and all I can do is remember her as she was.

And the last thing I wonder is if I was the same, if all I left was memories that still burn an eternal flame, if she thinks about me and wonders who I am now, and if I've changed, and why did he never sign my yearbook, and does he still remember me, what if he's different and not at all who I remember, what will happen to us?

All I want is her, whoever she is now.

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